GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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