when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
