Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize