Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
