Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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