my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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