I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
