There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
