Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
