Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
