took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
