I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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