What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do herpes really smell.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
