how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize