the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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