Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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