apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
