Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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