i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize
