Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My liver just had a heart attack.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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