i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
