I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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