There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
