When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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