Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
