Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
