Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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