apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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