I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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