i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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