You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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