He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
