Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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