im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize