he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
