my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize