Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
