My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
