Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
