god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
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