i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
