I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
