"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ugly people sure do ruin things
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
