another moral hangover. fuck.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
