I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She's just so happy...and so naked.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
