Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize