I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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