It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
