I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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