In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
