Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
