a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
