Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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