my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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