I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
