No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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