Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
