Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
if only i could text you this smell
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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