Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
