ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
did i just pee glitter
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