the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
