i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
