the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
